some kind of disaster relief

I spent the last 4 days almost exclusively listening to leonard cohen, and I remember last winter I had a similar phase. melancolic king of the yearners. rediscovered my love for cementeries too, there is just something so peaceful about them, and for all my non religious ways I do love looking at statues of angels or mother mary. I went to one last staurday and genuinely didn't want to leave, I blame living close to one when I as younger.

I'm at my parents house for a week now and I actually feel content to be here rn, even though it's always stressful, emotionally as well as just scheduling wise, but I have plans to go to the cinema with my sibling and meeting two freinds that still live here.

fuck man, my w key broke while writing this. copy pasting a letter is annoying lol

it's been a while!
I had a pretty busy month, at the tail end of my semester I usually have a shit ton of assignments to do. also had an oral exam that I was really nervous about but I did pretty well! oter than that, the political situation in germany is kind of getting to me lately, just seems pretty bleak rn.
I have/had plans for traveling to france for a week this summer, but with the fires going on I'm not too sure if that will work out. also fucking bleak, it really makes you wonder what it takes for ppl in power to start worrying over climate change.

i've been watching lots of movies tho, I might chat about some of them when I get the time. I feel like it makes more sense for me to make seperate postst for every movie I want to talk about, and not post everything I've watched, there was some boring stuff too lol.

I finished reading twilight! not my kind of book so it was pretty boring thought out. but I did enjoy the vampire lore, I think what is compelling about vampire/human romances for me is defintiely this push and pull when the human wants to be turned but for the vampire that is the most horrible thing they can think of doing to someone, but also those questions of what does a realtionship look like when you cannot be on level playingfields, and twilight does touch on that, but not as much as I would have enjoyed. also I've come to the conclusion that a sucessfully vegan vampire boyfreind is a bit of a boring concept, but it's very mormon ig.

the heatwave is getting to me I'll be honest and it's supposed to be getting hotter until sunday... but! I hung out in the basement of my univercity today (the coldest place on campus as far as I know) and finished my first movie recap, hope you enjoy :)

The Secrets of the Octopus (2024)

National Geographic Octopus documentary, love these creatures <3

Cecil B. Demented (2000)

Fun movie, John Waters really knows how to make a fun movie. It's funny, it's camp, it has something to say about cinema and the film industry, but what really stood out to me is that John Waters has such a genuine love for socially rejected weirdos and I do feel like that is something rare.

 

Mikey and Nicky (1976)

Moody 70s mafia movie that manages to convey the dynamic between it's two leads beautifully through the events that unfold during one long night. And it is such an amazing commentary on "male culture" (cis straight male culture of course). You can really tell this was written and directed by a woman that truly understood how masculinity operates, she's seen it all and they shunned her out of the business for it (come back elaine may). I love how even while may is not sugarcoating how horrible (to women, to each other) these two guys are, I still ended up feeling sympathy for them.

A strong theme for me in this is how "male culture" is homo-romantic, because most forms of love men reserve for other men (who they idolize and look up to, who they feel strong loyalties to, who they are able to feel intellectually and emotionally equal to), except for sexual relationships and marriage, those dynamics are (and have to be) reserved for women. And this of course puts straight masculinity in a crisis. And I felt like this crisis is kind of the frame for this movie.

 

Jonathan (1970)

German vampire movie I couldn't really get into for some reason. Didn't care about the characters at all, the antagonist was kind of fun, but had hardly any screen time. Some good visuals, though somehow it didn't catch me like I thought it would.

 

Cruising (1980)

I've seen people say this is an anti-cop movie, but don't actually think this is the case (but I understand that people wish it was, I certainly do). but to me it felt like the movie said "sure police brutality is real and it does often specifically target trans women, but that's just a few of them, most cops are totally fine, this is not a systemic issue. look there is violent men in the queer scene too, actually cops and gays are kind of the same if you think about it" not a fan. but I really enjoyed the moodiness and watching a presumably straight guy's heterosexuality crumble

 

The Doom Generation (1995)

re-watch of one of my favorite movies. it follows three teenagers/young adults (a foul mouthed young woman on speed and/or meth, her stoner boyfriend and a bisexual serial killer) through their erratic drive through the usa. it's funny, it's sexy, it's suddenly violent, something real sinister and surrealistic is going on with the dead bodies, it has a lot to say about being a disaffected nihilistic teen, but saying anything too definite is in direct contrast to being disaffected and nihilistic, so it's all kept rather vague, at the same time it's so obviously about aids and heteronormativity. I generally love how heavily stylized gregg araki's writing is (right now he is defintively one of my favorite directors) and I think it peaks for him in this movie, not unrelated to rose mcgowans's incredible line delivery

okay I'm really bad at regular journaling.  

was in a bit of a slump for like a week (a not really leaving my room much slump lol), but I did go to a local punk festival last saturday and saw an old friend/crush I haven't really talked to since last autumn, pretty sure they saw me too but we ignored each other which was a bit strange and I don't really know how to feel about it... and either someone sneezed on me in the mosh pit or maybe driving home with my bike at 1am was not the smartest move (I keep forgetting you not only don't feel the cold, but that your body actually cools down when drinking), either way I've been sick this whole week, but in kind of a better mood regardless. 

okay, that's it with the personal shit. the first episode of the vampire lestat (aka interview with the vampire season 3) is finally out and I geuninely am so excited to see how this season will play out!! I typed out all my thought about the pilot but I think I'll post that seperately.  

other than that I kind of got back into writing and making edits, but slowly and I stil feel a bit out of practice.

In other news I started reading twilight. I'm like 100 pages in and I have to admit it is occasionally funny, also edward is not as smooth as I was expecting him to be, this boy really needs his hotness and vampiric powers to compensate for his non existent social skills. bella is also genuinely such a killjoy, irl she would annoy me so much, in the conetxt of this book it's kind of iconic (also I can't say that with 16/17 I wasn't this anti soical too). I think what bothered me when I started and did not finish reading it like 8 years ago was how effortless bella makes freinds, she is this shy awkward anti social "I don't fit in here" teen, but everyone loves her, within a week she has a group of friends she sits with at lunch and invite her to a beach trip, within months three guys ask her out. for an actual nerd/loser/loner whatever, that was just not it, i think haha. anyway, strange book! not a lot of vampirism has happened yet. 

I don't fully unserstand the ettiqute on subscribing and allowing access yet/what to post publicly and what for the access list, so I've been just doing whatever. still a little confused on how you find ppl and communities on here too tbh! maybe once I have a bit more of an idea what this blog is going to look like I'll post in one of those addme or finding freinds etc communities, we'll see.

got kind of cold and windy again these past few days, and it's supposed to be raining all day, could be cozy but I'm not really feeling it for some reason. miss the sunshine from last week ig. had a dream about my crush from when I was 17/18, a recourring theme this past few months for some reason... dream diary incomming?

I really want to get back into creative wirting again, but I'm indecicive, I'll either work on the fic I've been planning for a few months (sk8 the infintiy, renga underground punk/band AU, if anyone is into sk8 still hmu pls!! I have not found ppl on here at all 😥) or on the original short story stuff I want to do, the thing is I write fanfic in english and original stuff in german so they feel like two different beasts entierely, so idk...

I was doing my uni reading in the library just now (am about half way through for today) but I'm gonna go get lunch now 

I spent all day not doing any uni work, giving myself a bad haircut and trying not to think too much about anything, so now it's past 2am and I'm getting feels about new and old crushes, cementary dates etc etc, I am too close to looking up how to flirt with a guy (as a guy) on wiki how. I should go sleep, lots to do tmrw

(and I do belive most things only become truly real when you express them in some way or another, everything only ever exists through its context, and ppl forget/don't know this when they've not been profoundly lonely for a long enough time, which is not a bad thing, and I'm sure there are other ways to realize how important the whole "recognition of the self through the other" thing is)